But I have come to realize that my american life will always catch up to me.
There can be days without missing, but with little reminders that comes like tiny heart-attachs; it all starts over. I can be walking on my street and suddenly believe I am seeing someone from America, I can hear a song from my USA1213 playlist, or I can come over pictures on facebook from prom. And then, I feel like I'm grasping for air but can't reach it, like I'm running after something but I'm too slow, like I'm trying to get somewhere but something is pushing me back. It does not matter how much I miss it or how much I want it back, because it wont be here again. Messages and snapchats and comments on pictures get filled up with so many "I miss you's" that the words looses their meaning and yet, there is nothing else we can do. We talk, we skype, we try to plan reunions and we miss eachother oh so much, but we get nowhere. And my heart breaks and it has broke so many times because I know that without these people I would not have been who I am today, without them I am not me and I do not know when or if I will see them again.
By this time last year, I missed my swedish friends, my swedish family and my swedish life. I wanted my birthday-breakfast in bed, I wanted dinners with my friends and parties at my house. I didn't wanted to sit in an american house, in an other bed than my own, and open my presents by myself early in the morning. I did not want to go home, but I wanted to feel like home.
But then I came to school and Johanna surprised me with balloons and birthday decorations and presents, I got tons of hugs and Keenan made the whole cafeteria sing for me which was extremely embarrassing. And after I'd already went to bed Katie came, woke me up, dragged me out in the kitchen where my wonderful host parents stood ready and sang for me with a chocolate cake with chocolate dressing and I ended up having a really good birthday after all, thanks to the amazing people I had around me.
Now, it is a week left for my birthday and I will spend it with my best friends whom I love unconditionally, there will be breakfast in bed and there will be partying. Everything should be perfect.
But now, all I want is for my american life to come visit me, just for a while.
I want my crazy german Christine to come and talk way too loud and laugh and hug me like only she can, I want Stine to come and talk about hot boys and have a bunch of brutally honest comments, I want Axel to dance around not saying very much and hug everyone like only Axel can, I want Lene to skip around smiling and spreading the Lene-sunshine, I want Joost to be Joost and I want to talk to him on the phone when we were supposed to be sleeping, I want Claudio to tell everyone that he's hot and I want him to be in my first every morning, I want Silvana to talk about her dread named Saskia and I want her to be my house-sister again, I want Felix to be Felix and I want Johanna to just be here so we can eat Reeses and talk about everything we missed.
I want Courtney to drive me around in her car with her lousy driving, I want her to lay sarcastic comments and hate on everything. I want Savannah to hug me and I want to talk to her about how much we love food and how pathetic our love-lives are but how it is okay because we have eachother, and well, food. I want to go to walmart with Jasmine, Penny and Shannon and go around and try on hats and act stupid in the middle of the night. I want Jessi to be spread the energy only she has and talk about her amazing life at Hawaii, inspiring everyone to follow their dreams like she did. I want to exchange awkward comments with Cameron and I want Sam to hang around and be as nice to everyone as only Sam can be. I want Chasity to share stories about her google+ life at lunch and then talk about culture and cool stuff. I want the entire track-team to make me run 400s until I puke and I want coach Railey to yell at me for not trying hard enough. I want my sister Katie to tell me about her crazy college-stories and I want to watch the Bachelor with my hostmom Pam. I want my hostdad Steve to drive me to school in the mornings and telling me to breathe less because the windows are fogging up. I want Trase to come skipping down the hallways to give me long hugs and talk about Disney and musicals, and taking funny pictures in drama. I want to hangout with my crazy drama group again, forgetting everything that felt difficult. I want to go to Subway after school with Cassidy and have long deep talks and I want to sit in Journalism with Elynn and talk about english foreign-programs. And oh, how I want to be back in journalism with all my tribe-goonies, writing articles and have Keenan criticizing them, with Larry Steiner who sits by his computer pretending he's teaching when he's not and then tries to scare us with some deadlines. And then I want Mr.Hardin to come for a visit and I want to talk to him about different education systems and future plans and psychology and writing. I want Casie to take me to basketball-games, I want Ryan to take me home after school and I want to ride a freaking yellow schoolbus again even if I never though I would.
I want to have waterfights at every birthday party, I want to dance slowdances or like a crazy person at Prom or Senior dance, I want to spit coffee all over Starbucks after laughing so hard, I want to go ballroom dancing on a friday night, I want to order pizza in the middle of the night to a hotel room in Florida, I want to go to football-games without watching football and I want to walk through Bullitt Easts hallways to mine and Johannas locker, and I want to open it and get pissed when all the books and Johannas old and moldy lunch-boxes falls out.
In less then a week I turn eighteen and all I want is my friends back, all of us together again, just for once.